Typically, I don’t have a lot of anxiety. I have some, every now and then, but it’s not anything I’ve ever been too worried about. Usually exercise, a few positive-vibe exercises – like meditation or journaling and a healthy smoothie – take my mind to a great place. Well, since that 12-week ultrasound when we found out our sad news, I’ve been a ball of anxiety. I’ve been so worried something is going to happen to this baby that I’ve lost sleep and I’m constantly thinking about it. I’m actually feeling a little nuts; maybe I’m turning into a nut, I can’t stop eating cashews by the handful! Anyway, it’s not a great feeling.
Sometimes at 1 a.m. I go crazy. I’m lying in bed flipping pillows everywhere, holding my belly, and thinking – on repeat –“please be ok in there!” I then try to count 25 breaths without thinking a thought and try to fall asleep. Sometimes it works and sometimes hours pass, and the next day Mama needs coffee. I’ve talked to a few friends and they definitely understand this anxious AF feeling.
It’s frustrating because I had these same feeling with my first pregnancy, but not until our 20-week anatomy scan. I went into that appointment with one question: am I going to be a girl mom or a boy mom? Fast-forward to those moments after the ultrasound and we were waiting for what seemed like hours, and I said to Marcus “Something is wrong, there is no way this should take so long.” Sure as shit, Mom’s intuition kicked in, and we were told little baby Ruby had two cysts that appeared in her brain. These can be indicator for Trisomy 13; there is no need to go into details on what this is but it wasn’t something anyone wants to hear during an ultrasound. However, with several other positive signs, our Midwife told us not to worry but said we would schedule another ultrasound for 8 weeks out. Well, this Mama was worried, scared, sad and had anxiety that went through the roof. Finally, at our 28-week ultrasound when we got an all clear, I could breathe again. For two months I spent hours reading forums, Googling, crying, freaking out and feeling so selfish for wondering what gender this baby was. But as a first-time mom, that’s what I thought the week-20 appointment was all about.
Boy, was I wrong. That appointment means so much more: the gender doesn’t even matter, a healthy baby matters. I’m just weeks away from that 20-week appointment and I’m a twisted ball of anxiety waiting patiently to see my baby on that screen. I’m trying to keep my mind in positive mode: it’s a healthy baby growing perfectly – repeat, repeat, repeat. Will I find out the gender? Yes, I will, BUT do I care? NO. I’m just going to be happy as a clam to know baby is healthy. For those Mamas going through this anxious period, can you relate? Give me all your tips! I’m so hopeful all is well in the oven! I’m also hoping this anxiety settles slightly so I can chill the fuck out after this appointment!! That moment you find out you are pregnant, you really do become a MOM because all the feelings kick in and you can’t stop thinking, worrying, wondering, caring. After talking with Moms of all ages, it seems the “Mom anxiety” is forever. Hey Ma, is this true?
When I talk to baby-daddy Tevi about his feels, he shares all these anxious feelings, too. I’d like to share some direct quotes but he’d probably hit delete on my blog if I did!
17 “ish” weeks I look better with clothes ON! Trying to keep my ass and arms toned
On a positive note, here’s my Week 17/18 photo! My boobs are huge! Someone said you only look pregnant from the side – I’ll take that as a compliment!! Happy Friyay!
2 comments
Hi Megan,
I had similar experiences with my two boys; possible birth defects identified early in my first pregnancy but then ongoing ultrasounds that ultimately lead to a healthy baby boy (Jack; now almost a teenager). I lost three pregnancies between him and his younger brother, Gus. When I was pregnant with Gus, I always had this ominous feeling that something bad was going to happen, even after good reports at doctor appointments. I had lost my dad and brother too that year. So I just had a lot of sadness, anger, and anxiety. But a friend who had been through a stillbirth loss and then had a healthy pregnancy and baby later told me a strategy she used. Each day she would tell herself, “Today my baby is healthy.” So that’s what I did. I told myself I couldn’t worry about all the unknowns and things out of my control but I could focus on the thought of “today my baby’s healthy.”
Thank you for sharing this. I love your daily affirmation. I’ll use it!