The past 3 months have been really hard for me. It has been a roller coaster of emotions with more tears than I’d like to admit. I think almost everyone in the world knew I was pregnant with twins. Someone told me my news “is the talk of the town!” (wow, a lot is happening in Carver County! NOT!). If you ran into me during this time, I wasn’t all rainbows and glitter over this “OMG” news. I was a nervous ball of anxiety with a “WTF” attitude; however, day-by-day I was getting more excited, more educated and more open to the idea of going from a family of 3 to a bigger family of 5.
Then our 12-week appointment came and we got some sad news. At a routine ultrasound, heartbeat check, we learned one of the twins stopped growing around 7 weeks. This was just days after our first ultrasound. And, this was information we weren’t prepared for… again. However, the week prior, I had a vivid dream about only finding one heartbeat. About a month ago, a random cardinal (you know, the red bird) started hanging out in our yard (Cardinals are signs from a passed love one, I believe in this stuff.). I had just had “a feeling” about how I was feeling (too normal for all the blog posts I was reading where twin moms reported feeling sick, like way more sick than I ever felt, and more often.) However, I was just too focused on having two babies that I didn’t pay much attention to any of those things until after the fact.
For 5 weeks from that first ultrasound to the second, I had more anxiety than ever. We were trying to figure out so much and come up with a plan that included a new house, a minivan, a possible live-in nanny and how I would do it all. We literally couldn’t stop thinking and talking about how life was about to get very wild. After our doctor’s appointment, things again shifted. I had to tell the world I lost a baby. While dealing with those emotions I was also feeling relief, happiness and love for another baby that appears to be growing right along. Wow, the tears and excitement, are hard to put into words! Not to mention, I’m still trying to Mom Boss’n 24/7. Which means entertain my sweet 16-month-old Ruby almost nonstop while running SIU, creating content for Live It Up and dreaming up a NEW business coming soon (yes, you better believe it!) This girl is slightly bored with plenty of free time since Happy Hour is still on the back burner!
As I move forward into my second trimester with a positive attitude and so much gratefulness for this healthy baby, I can’t help but wonder why this happened. I’ve been thinking a lot about my life, my flaws and the lesson/s this is teaching me. If you know me well, it’s obvious I am a person who loves control, I like having a solid plan and I enjoy making decisions (almost all of them, sometimes with little rational thought). I jump in head first! I ask for forgiveness, not permission and I like to see the glass over fucking flowing. A constant message that comes through at every psychic reading I have or during meditation is to let go, just let go of perfectionism and control. Yes, I am trying to be perfect just like the rest. And I want everything to go smoothly – who doesn’t? This roller coaster ride is clearly showing me, I AM NOT IN CONTROL of shit! I better LET GO or else this will continue. Finally, I’m listening and trying my best!!! Can we please set the cruise and coast for a while?
I came across this quote a few days ago and it keeps replaying in my head: “When things aren’t working, the universe is trying to save your ass.” I like it. I am not sure what I need saving from,but this message brings me peace and satisfaction. Things happen for a reason and for a guy who claims he has no faith, Marcus keeps telling me really positive stuff. We hug a lot and it feels good. We are ok, we are strong and we are cranking up the 90’s hip hop and bump’n into trimester two.
Again, thank you for the unconditional support and love. Now who’s ready for some bump photos, updates on the food bucket list, clues about my new business venture and plans for the next few months? Stay tuned!